How do I know?

When the warped, wonderful dance joint I've gone to forever seems like a new place with her,
and stale without her,
I know.

When dull, dry concrete rooftops bitten by winter's cry
breathe warmth under worn black leather because there I first paused, watching her,
I know.

When the number of numbing, heavy footfalls doubles,
but seems light as air when her hand is in mine,
I know.

When I easily put aside the raw, momentary smiles of manhood
because she replaces them with her voice, her heart, and her touch,
I know.

When the ache of past broken panes of glass and snapped harpstrings
finally fail to keep me, restless and awake
I know.



When childish songs ring true,
when foolish plays harbor a surprising depth,
when strung-together moments taste like hours
and hours are not enough
I know.

Why she asks me in a voice I hold onto like the rope that brings me ashore in the gale of my life
how I know for sure that I love her...

I know.

four weeks

Today was the day I told her.

I knew much earlier, but today, four weeks afterwards, I spoke the words.

I am taking care, lately, not to over-reach myself with words. With work, school, friends, or her.



But I am certain. And I told her so.

Every first time

Every first time I see her
eyes shine, heart skips,
and I pay homage
to countless cliches,
in vain looking for tools
to sculpt her, with words.

Every first time I touch her,
she looks at me,
touches me
as if it's her first time, too.

Every first time we share,
something you'd thought I'd have done long ago,
I smile, silent and silly,
because I'm young again.

The normal rules are shattered,
like a broken glass I first forgot I was holding,
and let drop,
shattering,
savoring the sound

Every first time I leave her,
I know it's not forever;

but it feels like it might be.

...


So every time I see her,
touch her,
share with her the smallest thing,
it's a whole new first time.

And I smile, silent and silly,
because I am young again.

In my mind's eye

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.



I heard this song at the GenCon dance, of all improbable places. I can pretty safely say she and I will never dance to this song at a GenCon dance. But she was there, as surely as I was, in my heart.

The first time I really connected with this song, I had arrived for a meeting about ten minutes early. There was snow on the ground, and that bright winter's daylight poured into a lounge area at the American Family Insurance campus, just outside of Madison. I'd brought my iPod along, and a notebook, and began to scribble some thoughts down that I wanted to share with Olympia later on in an email. I don't remember what song came on before this one, and I wasn't really conscious of having gotten this song or put it into a playlist; I'd just downloaded a bunch of Buble's tunes, and then there it was.

His words took hold of me. By this time, I knew I wanted to move back to the islands, and I have a very strong, developing reason to do so. I'd met her once, really. Seen a couple pics from her birthday I'd had zero chance of attending about a month later. I'd been struck that very first day, and although I had only seen her in person that little bit of time, and maybe a few pics, I had a picture of her in my mind's eye. We were growing to know one another, falling.

It was the kind of thing that when it happens, it seems to be the most natural thing in the world. Afterwards, you feel kind of silly explaining it to normal, rational people.

I listened to this song, sitting in that lounge, waiting for my meeting. It was as if the "me" from some distant future was remembering this song, as it was special to the two of us, Olympia and I.

It was a little surreal.

I've never come close to forgetting that moment. I'm not sure if I've ever shared with her how that moment was singular in my life, that winter morning in Madison. But now when I hear the song, I'm there, and I'm also with her, and I am also in the future at some point... looking at her, and feeling the song just as surely as I did the first time I heard it. I felt that same way at the dance, as I stood alone up on a perfect perch, looking down into the grand ballroom and seeing many couples sway together.

Listening to it now, as it happens. In bed, just as the evening comes to a close, and I have about zero chance of being there in a month, with her.


Yep. Silly.

On a more personal note

My ex-wife, referred to in these pages as "Giselle", has gotten engaged this last weekend.

Although I would give quite a bit to have had our friendship continue though our marriage did not, she could not do this. I understand it, but it has been a source of contant ( though mostly back-burner ) emotional pain for me. I know it's not an indictment of my value as a friend, and it doesn't say "all the time I spent with you was for nothing, and you are not a good person and I don't want to be associated with you"... but sometimes it's hard to be mindful of that.

So the overwhelming majority of our conversations over the last few years have been about money. Spcifically, the flow of it from me to her. She is of course perfectly able and willing to discuss this topic. For the nosey, it's not a large amount, nor is she being unfair in any way. But it is the only topic that we discuss, and that not-so-much.

Soooooo when she texted me this past Tuesday and was kind enough to uncharacteristically mention in the message that "nothing is wrong," I was very curious about what she had to say.

"I got engaged this weekend. I didn't want to tell you in an email, and I wanted you to hear it from me." this last point made as if she and I have overlapping social circles, which to my knowledge we definitely do not.

Of course the news struck me; I'm a pretty emotional guy sometimes and this is a topic kinda near and dear to my heart. I haven't really been entertaining fantasies about getting back together with Giselle, but maybe somewhere buried in all the morass of my own emotions on the subject, the idea that maybe someday we could reconcile was filed under "don't-ever-really-think-about-it kind of dream". That particular piece of plate glass would be smashed, now, though not forever.

I am a foolish optimist, in such cases, and have quite a longer view then most people, notably Giselle.

Anyway, like I said. I wasn't pining or looking to get back together, but the friends I gathered with on Tuesday night ( whom I told the happy news ) watched me carefully for signs of... well, whatever you watch carefully for signs of, when your good friend gets potentially harsh news.

I was fine. I didn't snap. I didn't loiter cliffside. I was pensive, I was at times uninvolved in the business at hand. But I was okay. I still am okay, with a few caveats.

Giselle is engaged to be married. I can only assume that she's being emotionally mature about things, and that she's not just rebounding into a second marriage because she hears the clock ticking. Another signifigant ex of mine, "Satine" here on this blog, might as well be engaged... she is keeping happy house with her signifigant other. I found out just last night that a girl not sufficiently part of my life to warrant an alias but whom I dated briefly over the summer is now -married-.

My point is, it's nice that so many of the people I have somewhat recently shared emotional space with are so happy, with someone. I know that overall I've had much more of that then most, over the last 20 years or so.

But I miss it.

I've had the -hint- of it. The potential. But sometimes that's rougher then not having that.

I have proven to myself a number of times over the last 6 months that I won't go in for something convenient just because I want to be close to someone, anyone. This is heartening, of course.

But still... I certainly wouldn't be too upset if something doable and with potential came along, and actually went somewhere.

More on this, as it develops, of course.

and above all things, love

Ever seen Moulin Rouge?

It’s an awesome work of art, which happens to be expressed as a movie. It would be difficult to have a complete discussion or essay about everything I like about the movie. It is an exquisite fusion of historical and modern, and recursive in the way that it is depicting within its story a fusion of historical and ( to it’s timeline ) modern.

I love things like that. Elegance is rare.

And this movie has more of that elegance-crap then you can shake a stick at. But for the cognitively lazy, it also has lots of music, and boobs.

My favorite part of the movie is described by the music of El Tango de Roxanne, a masterwork of juxtaposition and metaphor.

The main male character, Christian, likes this woman Satine, who happens to be a courtesan. Christian works his way into her life by becoming the writer of the musical she will star in, to save her venue with the money and notoriety it will being in. The sticking point is that Satine is, well, a courtesan. She’s a companion for money, and at the time she is falling in love with Christian, she’s also supposed to be in cahoots with this one Big Money man, in order to seal the deal of saving her precious venue, the Moulin Rouge.

Still with me? Lovers who can’t be with each other, made more stressful by the fact that the woman has to be with someone else not only because of who she is ( a courtesan ) but also to save the place she loves, and consequently all her friends at the Moulin Rouge.

So, we have conflict. Jealousy. Satine tells Christian that She will always love him, in a very real way, and not to worry. Christian tells Satine that, come what may, he will love her til his dying day.

But then push comes to shove; Satine has to go to work, so to speak.

So, Christian is left hanging out with the players or the Moulin Rouge…a bawdy, saucy band of prostiutes and malcontents who happen to be performers in the musical Christina is writing. It is an open secret that Satin and Christian are together, and it is well known that Satine and the Big Money are togther, at the moment I’m speaking of.

“We have a dance,” The Argentinean begins, to break the dour silence. He strides out onto the main floor of the Moulin Rouge, and begins:

“We have a dance
In the brothels of Buenos Aires,
That tells the story of the prostitute
And the man who falls in love with her.”

Here he draws the most alluring, arguably the bitchiest prostitute in the place to him, and begins the first steps of de tango, still speaking to the players and of course to Christian.

”First there is desire,
Then passion,
Then suspicion.
Jealousy, anger, betrayal...!”

His movements with the girl become more and more pronounced, their dance telling not only his story, the story of a whore and her love, but also of Christian and Satine. Again, with the elegance. The dance continues, and the music is quite good, here.

”When love is for the highest bidder,
There is no trust.
Without trust, there is no love.”

He passes the girl around to men who seem to have materialized from nothing, and she seems to go with them all willingly, indifferent to any feelings the Argentinean might have in the character he is dancing as.

”Jealousy, yes, jealousy,
Will drive you...mad!”

Here begins El Tango de Roxanne… a tango-ized verson of the song “Roxanne”, by the Police. Amazingly well done, just as a dance. But as this is a movie, we get to see more; as the words and music progress, build up to a sort of bubble that needs to burst , a bubble describing how jealousy tears one apart from the inside, we see cut aways to what Satine is going through at this moment. We see the dance and what it represents, the story it tells, and we see Christian, suffering Jealousy because he is bound by Love, knowing that the two are entwined almost hopelessly.

As it happens, tonight, I spent a long while talking to a woman I’ll call Satine, chatting with her in IM.

She’d like that, I think. That name.

Anyway, Satine and I used to date, for almost 3 years. Lots of history and emotion there. So much so that now the relationshp between Satine and I exists totally in the virtual; email, chat, and threaded discussion. We also do side work together. But we never talk on the phone, never text, and we certainly never spend time in person together. The reasons for this are –many- and complex, not the least of which ( ironically ) happens to be jealousy. Mine, not hers.

I’d like to be close to her again, but he’s happy with someone else. So we’re in this weird kind of place. It works, after a fashion, and seems to be healthy enough.

But when Satine and I were together, we had a huge issue between us ( we had a few, but one in particular )… my ex.

Before Satine and I had been involved, I had been married to a wonderful woman ( whom I'll call Giselle, here ) for what someone my age would consider a long time. Although the marriage ended ( amicably, mind you ) it was still –very- important to me that she and I remain friends.

Satine had –extreme- issues with this, and with the very idea of Giselle.

In her experience, people who got divorced did so for reasons that would never allow much future contact, let alone friendship. Also, this was at a point in Satine’s life where she ahd just come from a long long term emotionally abusive relationship, where she now needed to be the Only important thing in her man’s ( that would be me ) life.

This at a time when I definitely needed to be my own person; one of the reasons my marriage had ended was my feeling of having to be what my ex wanted me to be. So I was just a bit sensitive to the idea of having to give up a friend, because Satine was upset about it.

Jealousy. Raw and uncut. And an age old question. And, as it happens, the point of this blog post:

Maybe she’s your ex, or maybe she’s just a good friend. The girl your with has a problem with that, and wants you to drop contact with her. What do you do?

The situation can work just as well with whatever gender you please; the idea is jealousy. “You should not have strange gods before me”, or something along those lines. It is seated ( I believe ) in the idea that “you had feelings for this person, or you are close to them. I should now be –that- personin your life, and if you go to this other person, I am afraid you will leave me alone and go to them for good”.

Okay, now the questions:

• You’re dating someone, and they’re tight with their ex. Besides of course “don’t cheat on me,” do you put limitations on their contact? Would you, if you “could”?
• Is there ever a workable situation that you’re tight with your ex, yet fabulously in love with your current sweetie?
• Can your current sweetie morally ask you to back off your friendship with you ex? What about you friendship with a same-sex best friend, then?

I'm just curious. For me, the next deep relationship I’m involved in, I will have to have a resolution for this, somehow. Satine and I are friends, and that friendship is very important to me. I also have more then a few female friends who are close enough to confidantes, potentially making my new ( and at the moment fictional ) sweetie kind of irate. I am now and have always been –exceedingly- resentful of someone’s dictation of who can and cannot be my friend.

But saying this, I am not without the knowledge that it would be my job to do everything in my power to settle the feelings of jealousy in my sweetie, and let her know of her absolute place in my heart.

As a side note here, if you have never been involved in a sweetie-style relationship with me, please understand that I don’t generally talk like that, when I’m discussing problems with the women I’ve been with. “Honey, I know it is my job to do everything in my power to settle these feelings of jealousy in you, and let you know of the absolute place you have in my heart”

~laughs~

Anyway… so I’ve got that to look forward to. Here’s Satine, and there’s also the woman Giselle, here. She’s my ex wife, and the current state of things between us is remote, to put it mildly. We don’t talk, email, meet, text, or do much of anything. But I still have a very well defined place for her in my heart, and because of who I am, I will always hold out in foolish optimism that maybe one day things will be to the point of friendship between she and I. Come what may; storm clouds may gather, and stars may collide...

...and if this is the case, then I’ll have to deal with that, too.

In the talk we had tonight, Satine cautioned me repeatedly against letting our friendship be a barrier to any new relationship I might form with someone. This was sweet, and made me smile because I also know that Satine would not want me to "go away" and leave her, friendship wise, new sweetie, or for any other reason. I'll cross those bridges when they come; it seems a bit silly to worry about such things while me and the fictional sweetie don't even know each other yet. But I suspect I will not let go of the place I have in my heart and memory for Satine and Giselle too easily. The light of other days can shine brightly, sometimes.

Come what may.

Come What May - from Moulin Rogue

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing
Come back to me, and forgive everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide

But I love you until the end of time

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you. Yes, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Cinderblocks

In the movie "Something's Gotta Give," Jack Nicolson's character Harry Sanborn has a crisis, that leads of course to the climax of the movie. I won't go into too much detail, but hear me out. His crisis has something to do with finding The One, with relationships, and how he relates to women he has an interest in.

Things are going especially non-well for Harry along these lines, so being a pretty together guy with a full, colorful history of dating a wide assortment of women he embaks upon a vision quest, of sorts. He wants to find out what he did/does wrong, so he can stop doing it. Sounds like not-so-bad-an idea, maybe. Maybe a pretty bright one.

I'm a pretty bright guy, most times. But that having been said, every now and then, I do some -stupid- shit.

Like, somewhere, the gremlins of misfortune get wind of some great idea I get into my head, and I can imagine them -barely- able to contain themselves with glee and giddiness.

"Pete's going to do -what-? Tell me again, Gremlin #3, because I could not have -possibly- heard you correctly. Tell us again, so the words may caress our pointy green ears with the feather kisses and cinder blocks of potential havok we will wreak on Mr. Pete.. oooooh yes, we will wreak it...."

Yea.

Here's a great idea, guys; When you are perhaps a tad more vulnerable then normal, when you start asking some fundemental questions about yourself, and are looking for insight, go to someone with whom you spent some of the best times of your life. Forget for a moment the tiny detail that you are, in fact, no longer with this person. Let them into your confidence, and just discard the notion that some spectacular thing happened to cause you two not to be together.

Then go to this person for wise and carefully considered counsel, in this tad-more-vulnerble state.

Or, save yourself a bit of time and trouble, find a decent-sized cinder block, and drop it on your instep. The resulting stress might be the same. For fun, you can go to more then one of these women, or drop more then one cinder block on various parts of your body.

Yes, sarcastic. Yes, negative. Yes, letting of a bit of steam.

But better then letting off steam, I think, would be being bright enough to know better then to drop cinderblocks on my foot. Time after time.Which brings up an interesting point...

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, and think of you
caught up in circles confusion
is nothing new
Flashback
warm nights
almost left behind
suitcases of memories, time after

sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say, go slow
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look
and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you
I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
watching through windows
you're wondering if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time
if you're lost you can look
and you will find me time after time if you fall I will catch you
I'll be waiting

time after time
time after time
time after time


- CL

Singing

Sang the other day.

Had a little get-together, and someone had a guitar. Lots of times when this happens between new friends, there's not a lot of overlap between what the guitar player knows and a song you know how to sing; one that's in your range, and that you enjoy. It seems to be my luck that the once-every-nine-months or so I'm around when a guitar gets whipped out, the player knows more Christian songs then one could count.

I think I could name maybe 3 Christian songs. If someone had a gun pointed at me. Or a cross.

But this time around, there was country music in the air, and it turned out I knew a few. We had a pretty good little time. One of the songs I sung ( I played a few, but it was a struggle; I can play the guitar but I never pratice, and I never gave it much effort. Put that on the list for "Some Day" ) happened to be what I consider to be a Very Good Love Song. Not too long ago Miami Girl and I were laying around listening to her music, and talking about the nature of love, and love songs. This song came up in conversation.

It's a ballad, comfortably in my range. I sang it twice; once to stunned people who didn't know I could sing at all, and once again so people could learn it and hear it again. It's a well written song, the refrain being used in two different elegant ways. It tells a story, and speaks of love in the ways that I understand it... happening in a mad rush, not bending to the laws of common sense, and enduring long after that initial fire.

As it happens, yesterday happened to be a pretty rough day for me. I got a pretty heavy emotional kick in the balls, and I have definitely been in "better places". It had to do with love, as it turns out some of the things that come out in this song. I learned ( once again ) that love changes, grows, needs not be mutual, and endures long past the edges of comfort or convenience. Life goes on, and love often endures, at least for me. That doesn't mean relationships do, words do, feelings do, or anything else that we typically associate with love does. Love has a half-life far in excess of most other things, for me.

Anyway, I called Miami girl, not too long after my ball-kicking. She's traveling, and likely up to her ears in having fun with friends rarely seen. Sooooo I had to go at this one alone. There were many others I could have called; but I was in the mood to talk to her, as we hadn't talked in a while. I wasn't going to pour my heart out or go into it at all; I probably wouldn't have even mentioned it.

Sometimes, all that you need or want is to hear a hello, and maybe the sound of someone's voice. Or a little bit o a note or text message. Sometimes, that's enough to get you to the point where, like Vince Vaughn tells us in Wedding Crashers- "I'm going to go ice my balls and spit up blood."; )Oh well. What canya do, eh? By the way, for those of you keeping score I am -not- in love at the moment... but I am at the point where a fire has been lit, and I am feeling awkward and silly and unsure at least as much as I am smiling. Lovely, eh?Here's the song.



Love, Me - Collin Raye

I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me.
He said,"Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I loved your Grandma so.
"We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, I found this letter, and this is what it said:

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away,
In the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray.
I know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then,
till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.

Love, me.

Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.

Love, me.