On a more personal note

My ex-wife, referred to in these pages as "Giselle", has gotten engaged this last weekend.

Although I would give quite a bit to have had our friendship continue though our marriage did not, she could not do this. I understand it, but it has been a source of contant ( though mostly back-burner ) emotional pain for me. I know it's not an indictment of my value as a friend, and it doesn't say "all the time I spent with you was for nothing, and you are not a good person and I don't want to be associated with you"... but sometimes it's hard to be mindful of that.

So the overwhelming majority of our conversations over the last few years have been about money. Spcifically, the flow of it from me to her. She is of course perfectly able and willing to discuss this topic. For the nosey, it's not a large amount, nor is she being unfair in any way. But it is the only topic that we discuss, and that not-so-much.

Soooooo when she texted me this past Tuesday and was kind enough to uncharacteristically mention in the message that "nothing is wrong," I was very curious about what she had to say.

"I got engaged this weekend. I didn't want to tell you in an email, and I wanted you to hear it from me." this last point made as if she and I have overlapping social circles, which to my knowledge we definitely do not.

Of course the news struck me; I'm a pretty emotional guy sometimes and this is a topic kinda near and dear to my heart. I haven't really been entertaining fantasies about getting back together with Giselle, but maybe somewhere buried in all the morass of my own emotions on the subject, the idea that maybe someday we could reconcile was filed under "don't-ever-really-think-about-it kind of dream". That particular piece of plate glass would be smashed, now, though not forever.

I am a foolish optimist, in such cases, and have quite a longer view then most people, notably Giselle.

Anyway, like I said. I wasn't pining or looking to get back together, but the friends I gathered with on Tuesday night ( whom I told the happy news ) watched me carefully for signs of... well, whatever you watch carefully for signs of, when your good friend gets potentially harsh news.

I was fine. I didn't snap. I didn't loiter cliffside. I was pensive, I was at times uninvolved in the business at hand. But I was okay. I still am okay, with a few caveats.

Giselle is engaged to be married. I can only assume that she's being emotionally mature about things, and that she's not just rebounding into a second marriage because she hears the clock ticking. Another signifigant ex of mine, "Satine" here on this blog, might as well be engaged... she is keeping happy house with her signifigant other. I found out just last night that a girl not sufficiently part of my life to warrant an alias but whom I dated briefly over the summer is now -married-.

My point is, it's nice that so many of the people I have somewhat recently shared emotional space with are so happy, with someone. I know that overall I've had much more of that then most, over the last 20 years or so.

But I miss it.

I've had the -hint- of it. The potential. But sometimes that's rougher then not having that.

I have proven to myself a number of times over the last 6 months that I won't go in for something convenient just because I want to be close to someone, anyone. This is heartening, of course.

But still... I certainly wouldn't be too upset if something doable and with potential came along, and actually went somewhere.

More on this, as it develops, of course.