I am pretty tired

~yawn~

That's it, for now.

four weeks

Today was the day I told her.

I knew much earlier, but today, four weeks afterwards, I spoke the words.

I am taking care, lately, not to over-reach myself with words. With work, school, friends, or her.



But I am certain. And I told her so.

Okay, crazy.

I almost deleted the last post, a few different times today, for wildly different reasons each moment I considered it. But it stays. It was on my mind at the time, and that's all that matters, really.

Someone told me today that timing was very important... today has been an object lesson in this. You can be down a bit, pensive, forlorn, caught up in memories, and ambivalent about the here and now, let alone the future.

And then there's a spark.

Not from nowhere, and that spark catches; a confluence of chance and effort and smileys leads to a better day, sometimes.

Surely I am crazy, just a bit. But I am smiling at the moment, just a bit.

three women

Not counting a few women who's attractiveness serve as signposts on my drive through life, there are three women shining as bright stars in the constellation of my life, right now.

Olympia
Strong, fragile, educated and very narrow of view at times. She is amazing, and has a powerful hold on me in some ways. She lives far away, and we don't talk much, yet I can see myself with her in the most fundamental and lasting ways. If she were a musical instrument, she'd be a harp. She is sad and tragic at the moment, and I miss her. She feels at once more part of my soul, and less, than the other two. I dated her, for a short time, and think about the day where it might be possible to do it again.

Sharess
Wild and a fellow wanderer, I've known her for the longest of the three. She's sensual, compassionate, and very good at board games. She's fit as hell, though nowhere near as fit as Olympia. She lives her life out of the mold, and I love that about her. She lives about a hundred dollars away; a long, nice weekend. She is a violin. About a year ago, after talking things through with her, I decided to pursue Olympia. Sharess has an untamed look, and though she has a very conservative type job, doesn't "do" conservative naturally. She and I are the most alike, out of the three. I also dated her for a short time, and as far as I know was the only guy to ever break up with her. We found each other again, after many years walking different paths.   

Chloe
The only blonde I've ever considered dating since my first college girlfriend. I've known her for almost ten years, though not as long as Sharess. During that time I've always felt as if we were circling one another, drawing close, but not together for various reasons. She lives close, and has always been exceedingly alluring to me for many reasons. She's a diamond, convinced she's not. If she were a musical instrument, she'd be a sensual saxophone. I interact with her regularly in a non-dating sort of way, and I am looking to change this. Chloe is very particular about how she dresses, and puts effort into her look. I am more different from her than the other two, but in ways that are all attractive to me.

All of them are stop-traffic attractive. None of them watch TV. They are for the most part apolitical, and they all probably trust more than they should. They all have problem forming long term relationships with men. All of them are sexually adventurous, and enjoy being touched. All three are amazingly different from one another. They might not get along, though they could be cordial to one another. I fell like I could be partners with all of them, that I would be extremely lucky to be partnered with any of them.   

On a more personal note

My ex-wife, referred to in these pages as "Giselle", has gotten engaged this last weekend.

Although I would give quite a bit to have had our friendship continue though our marriage did not, she could not do this. I understand it, but it has been a source of contant ( though mostly back-burner ) emotional pain for me. I know it's not an indictment of my value as a friend, and it doesn't say "all the time I spent with you was for nothing, and you are not a good person and I don't want to be associated with you"... but sometimes it's hard to be mindful of that.

So the overwhelming majority of our conversations over the last few years have been about money. Spcifically, the flow of it from me to her. She is of course perfectly able and willing to discuss this topic. For the nosey, it's not a large amount, nor is she being unfair in any way. But it is the only topic that we discuss, and that not-so-much.

Soooooo when she texted me this past Tuesday and was kind enough to uncharacteristically mention in the message that "nothing is wrong," I was very curious about what she had to say.

"I got engaged this weekend. I didn't want to tell you in an email, and I wanted you to hear it from me." this last point made as if she and I have overlapping social circles, which to my knowledge we definitely do not.

Of course the news struck me; I'm a pretty emotional guy sometimes and this is a topic kinda near and dear to my heart. I haven't really been entertaining fantasies about getting back together with Giselle, but maybe somewhere buried in all the morass of my own emotions on the subject, the idea that maybe someday we could reconcile was filed under "don't-ever-really-think-about-it kind of dream". That particular piece of plate glass would be smashed, now, though not forever.

I am a foolish optimist, in such cases, and have quite a longer view then most people, notably Giselle.

Anyway, like I said. I wasn't pining or looking to get back together, but the friends I gathered with on Tuesday night ( whom I told the happy news ) watched me carefully for signs of... well, whatever you watch carefully for signs of, when your good friend gets potentially harsh news.

I was fine. I didn't snap. I didn't loiter cliffside. I was pensive, I was at times uninvolved in the business at hand. But I was okay. I still am okay, with a few caveats.

Giselle is engaged to be married. I can only assume that she's being emotionally mature about things, and that she's not just rebounding into a second marriage because she hears the clock ticking. Another signifigant ex of mine, "Satine" here on this blog, might as well be engaged... she is keeping happy house with her signifigant other. I found out just last night that a girl not sufficiently part of my life to warrant an alias but whom I dated briefly over the summer is now -married-.

My point is, it's nice that so many of the people I have somewhat recently shared emotional space with are so happy, with someone. I know that overall I've had much more of that then most, over the last 20 years or so.

But I miss it.

I've had the -hint- of it. The potential. But sometimes that's rougher then not having that.

I have proven to myself a number of times over the last 6 months that I won't go in for something convenient just because I want to be close to someone, anyone. This is heartening, of course.

But still... I certainly wouldn't be too upset if something doable and with potential came along, and actually went somewhere.

More on this, as it develops, of course.