So, a short while ago, I got an emotional kick in the balls.
Not a ninja kick, where someone snuck up on me and brought me down with a ritz cracker or some other inventive tool; I was sort of standing there, legs spread, balls swaying in the breeze. I also might have even had some sort of "kick me" sign somewhere south of the navel, at this point. This recent foray into emotional pain was far from my first.
Let me explain.
About a year ago, I became quite enamored with a woman who lives on Maui. We fell in love, and when I moved to the islands we made a go of things. It exploded in a spectacular fashion.
Afterwards, and after I moved back, I continued to beat my head against that particular reef. For whatever reason the attachment I formed was almost preternatural in its strength and grasp on me. I was somewhat encouraged in this by her, but in a very passive, deniable sort of way.
You may wonder why she was never mentioned in the blog. She has a thing about being on the internet in any way ( well, -almost -any way. There are some ways being on the net that she doesn't mind at all, it seems ). She specifically asked me not to blog about her. This post is a sort of compromise. I don't name her, or yield any identifying information except to say that for a time she was the love of my life. But I get some things off my chest.
So, about the ball-kicking...
In some ways, I was more than a jerk to this woman. Never intentionally, but it happened. She has more than repaid me in kind, with the intentional variety of jack-assery. The lyrics to "Set Me Free" are very appropriate here. She did not, and I kept coming to her with open legs, sign affixed.
That all stopped fairly recently, after what I hope will be the last stumbling to the ground, gasping, and holding my balls in agony. I think unlike Charlie Brown I have finally learned my lesson, and I am done taking runs at this particular football.
The enduring issue is this: like most people, maybe more than most, I associate music, events, places, movies seen, and all that with people I am close to. My brain is like a handy little flight recorder, recording most everything I experience in time with what is around me.
So when a substantial memory gets the "Way Painful" label, all the other things tagged around it are also kind of painful. Most of the time I am grateful for the way my mind works. Not in these instances, recalling the things tangential.
Some things on the list:
Neil Young
YMCAs
triathlons, and triathletes
eating veggies
the MACC
any movies I saw at the MACC
an entire island ( one of the good ones ) in the Hawaiian chain
psychology ( yes the topic, the profession, and the practice )
Gnarls Barkly
a crapload of other music
and so on...
I know all this is normal. I know I am not suffering some sort of lonely, singular kind of pain. This is probably the first time in my life, though, where I put so much into something and got, er, kicked in the balls for my effort.
Repeatedly.
Ahhhhh yes, a fool for love, am I. But then again, I'd rather be the way I am, then wrestle with the demons of the ballkickers I seem to come across.
You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart
People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through
Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart
You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart
People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through
But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other
You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool
-Michael Buble's cover of "Kissing a Fool"
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