I mean, in the context of a personal relationship with a sweetie, what is cheating? Because there’re all sorts of ambiguity and “it depends” in some people’s minds, let’s define some things early on:
Let’s say you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone, and that this involves sex as well as talking, holding hands, walking on the beach, and so on. Let’s say you’ve discussed your relationship, and defined it as being just the two of you.
So… what is cheating?
Where is the line? Is thinking about where the line is at all, and figuring that you can do such and such but not that other stuff something in itself kind of wrong? How about these circumstances…
- Flirting in the office, with someone that everyone flirts with
- dancing at a club with some stranger
- fooling around in some abstract way… like having a “what if” conversation with someone or comparing sexual histories, or…
- playing around online with someone
- keeping a porn collection
- maintaining close ties with an ex
- casual touching such as hands, neckrubs, and so on
I guess from the above list of What Ifs you can assume that I’m talking about some –act- as cheating; that is, more then just thinking something really hard. There’s probably some debate to be had that you can “cheat in your heart” without ever opening your mouth or completing what criminal justice professionals would term as “an act of furtherance”.
Personally, I’d say that any of the above –could- be cheating, or might not be cheating. It would depend on the situation, I guess. This is not a cop out on my part… actually I believe that it is the responsibility of both people in a relationship to talk about where the lines are, how they feel, and where they want to go. Not talking about it is just lazy and irresponsible, or possibly just wrong because maybe you like to keep things intentionally vague. Not letting your partner know how you feel, and not finding out how they feel, is just asking for trouble, in my opinion.
So, for me, cheating could be best defined as “a breach of trust”. If my sweetie doesn’t want me to dance with other women at the bar, if she trusts me not to, then I am cheating if I do. If she’s cool with me cybering with anonymous people online, then maybe I’m not cheating when I do that. If I violate the trust she places on me to share what we both define as important only with each other, then I’m cheating.
And that’s not good, of course.
Are different things cheating depending on how serious the relationship is? I think so. There’s a lot more room for interpretation here, for debate, but for myself, I think the seriousness of things matters.
If I’m dating my sweetie, and I have a confidant who happens to be a woman, I wouldn’t say I was cheating. I might find it easy to talk to this woman, maybe we identify with each other, help each other, and so on. If she’s hot as hell, it’s still not cheating, probably. Her looks shouldn’t enter into it, but of course they do. We’re silly that way, as people. You can have all the ugly confidants of the opposite sex that you want, for free… but if they’re attractive, then there might be trouble.
Which brings up another side-point: if you have a confidant, a close friend of the opposite sex, I would say the Right Thing to Do is to understand that your sweetie might feel threatened. Recognize this, and do something about it. That’s how mature people act. Don’t just figure “well tough, I’m not cheating,” or “tough, she’s got this –guy- friend…” Blah blah blah.
Be responsible for your own life, and make sure someone you care enough to make your sweetie is cool with your friend. If they aren’t, put some effort into smoothing it over. If you make an honest effort, and you’re truly not cheating, then your sweetie should come around. If she doesn’t… maybe rethink your sweetie.
If I’m married, though… or engaged… or even “almost-engaged”… that might be different. At least for me. In that case, my sweetie, that Special Person with whom I’ll be spending the rest of my life, should be –that- person. My confidant. If I’m at the point where engagement is impending or further, I believe the standards for what is acceptable and what is cheating change.
If I go to someone else, particularly a female someone else, particularly a female someone else I am attracted to for some kind of solace, comfort, footrub, or whatever that I choose not to go to my sweetie for, I would think I was cheating.
Doubtless you could have much debate on this issue, but overall if my sweetie wasn’t cool with me getting footrubs from attractive women I felt some kind of bond with ( and why in the world should she be? ) then it’s not cool, and it’s cheating.
In many cases, you can use the “what if it was her?” rule to answer some questions. Think about your sweetie, and think about your best friend, or that guy she hangs out with that you get that bad feeling from. Think of whatever you’re doing… flirting with some chick at work, having a sexual history lesson with some girl at Starbuck’s, and so on. Would you be cool if your sweetie was doing this with that guy?
But the “What if it was her?” rule is not foolproof. You can talk yourself into believing some amazing shit, while you’re getting a blowjob. “Would I mind if that guy went down on her...? Hmmmmmm… no, I don’t think I would… that feels great, baby.. yea, jut like that…”
: )
There’s no substitute for talking it out beforehand, and getting some expectations and drawing some lines.
A wise and very bright friend of mine shared his concept of cheating with me one long drive to a remote gamestore, a few years ago. He’s married, and argues and is happy about as much as most other healthy couples I know. He told me that if he had a problem and could go to a male friend or a female friend for help, he’d go the male friend every time. I pushed him a bit, and his reasoning was that he’s an adult, and he knows how things go, how people are. He would be irresponsible and in some way cheating if he put himself in a position to encourage some breach of trust with his sweetie. Even if he was just talking with the girl, even if he was just letting her bandage his arm after he stopped a bank robbery, he’d be very mindful of putting himself in a position to where he’d start to naturally charm the girl, and start down a path that might lead to trouble.
He didn’t run away from other women, of course. But he took a very sensible approach. You know when you’re attracted to someone. Most of the time you know when someone’s attracted to you. When you’re married, you probably don’t have the luxury to get close and think “what if?” like you might when you’re single. That might not be how a mature, responsible adult acts.
On that note, with full disclosure, I am far from a perfect person. I have violated every tenement of a relationship at one time or another. I haven’t done so consistently and not even a lot, but I am nowhere near innocent. But as Al Pacino’s character in Scent of a Woman put it…
“Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard.”
Here’s to trying to be a better person. ; )
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