A/S/L ?

Why getting to know someone online is different than getting to know them in real life, and why it requires some care; my take on things.

We’ve all heard the tidbit that 90% of all communication is nonverbal, right? There’s the actual content of what you’re saying, but most of what is being communicated is non-spoken… your tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, assumptions about appearance, the vibe we receive about the speaker ( confident, cocky, nerdy, needy, whatever ), and a host of other channels deliver info about you and what’s being said.

In an IM conversation, or in email, you only have the text. There are a few more very subtle cues, but mostly It’s just the words you type.

We tend to fill in the blanks ( or the missing 90% ) when we read email or IMs. This is good and bad.

When we know someone… a sweetie or close friend or family, the blanks are easy to fill in, based on experience. You read the words off the screen, and youcan almost hear the person talking, hearing that particular note in their voice.

When we don’t know someone, it’s very easy to mis-read what is being said… to attribute the wrong sort of emotional connotation to it. Sarcasm, humor, frustration, anger, interest, and many other moods are nuanced, and usually very much informed by that whole 90% of non-verbal. For instance:

“Oh yea, I really like that…”

In text can mean so many different things, depending on where the person typing it put the emphasis in their heads as they “heard” it and typed. When you read it, you might not put the emphasis in the same lace, so the meaning becomes changed. You could emphasize or spin each word differently, and change the meaning of the whole sentence. This leads to a bit of dissonance, a difference between the image or meaning we have in our head, and what actually was meant.

Over time, this can become death by papercuts, so to speak. Papercuts you never feel, but that accumulate over time. Imagine many of these misinterpretations stacked upon one another, informing your perception of someone. In life, the mental “sculpture” we have of someone is crafted by all the communication ( verbal and nonverbal ) we have with that person. Online… the sculpture is for the most part crafted by what you –think- they meant. What you heard them say in your head.

To say that this might be a wee bit different than the actual meaning, or the actual person, is an understatement. If your communication is limited to text on a screen, over time, the image you have of someone in your head gets pretty solid, but in all likelihood is not terribly accurate.

And that’s when we’re trying hard to be accurate. Most of the time we’re not. We all see who we want in others, for the most part. So when we’re busy doing that, and filling in the blanks for the 90% that’s not there… well… not the best way to get to know someone.

They are more noble than we thought, or less.

Immersive systems ( such as Second Life, There, Sony Home, etc ) are nowhere near the level of complexity they need to be to start communicating the rest of the 90%. That level of bandwidth, as well as our ability to interpret, express and internalize online in an immersive environment is still a ways off. Just because the cute avatar can make facial expressions doesn’t mean a lot of accurate nonverbal is coming through.

So… when getting to know someone online, understand that it’s not them, just your image of them, and that this image is likely not in synch with who the person is. You can definitely be pleasantly surprised if you get to know them in real life… but it could very well go the other way.