Why Hawaii?

Why Hawaii?

So, I'm laying here at 0430, in Madison ( well, Watertown, actually, where I live up here ). The house is quiet for the most part. I can hear it "breathing", in a way... the ventilation, the normal creaks and sounds of a house. Every now and then the cats upstairs. In the stillness, in the pale illumination of my bedroom from the laptop, I am awake.

Yesterday I talked with my boss at AmFam, and let her know it was a matter of "when", not "if", my moving to Hawaii. On the one hand, it kind of sucked, doing that... she gave me a chance a year ago when she decided to hire me, and it would be hard to put into words how much I enjoy working at AmFam, in Madison, with the people on my team. It was good to get it out there, though; I didn't want her to be left holding the bag, caught completely off guard by my moving.

I also told a couple of my friends, of course. Happy for me as I pursue the dream, sad at the prospect of seeing me go.

Happy that they'd have a place to crash in Hawaii.

Here's how it stands: I have never been more portable job-wise or life-wise then I am at this moment. I have been slowly working my way towards moving back to Hawaii for quite some time now, like a lazy comet taking it's sweet time, completing a wide orbit and returning after so long to a familiar place close to the sun.

I have a standing offer of a job as a contractor that will allow me to take work that I can do mostly by remote; this means that while I would be there ( wherever "there" happened to be... wherever the next project was starting ) for a kickoff period, maybe in the middle for a maintenance period, and at the end for some kind of closure. But all that time in the middle, I could be anywhere in the world. I'd do my work on the laptop, phoning in for teleconference or vidding in for videoconference. Much of my work can be done with some effort from a distance, and I'd be doing that.

Things are juuuuuust about lined up, with this job. After that, logistics include selling my car, and making a bunch of other small arrangements.


So... why leave?

I love my friends, here in the Midwest. I have two very wonderful social circles. I love Madison. I get along exceedingly well with my family. I love my dog ( who would not be making the trip with me ). My friends are clamoring for a roleplaying campaign, and I am itching to play. As predicted, light starts to show in my personal life, right when plans to leave the area come together. I love Madison, though I have only scratched the surface in exploring this place, in the year I've been here.

So... why leave?

A few reasons, and not all of them are very organized or well articulated at the moment, but they are strong. Like tidal forces deep in who I am. I can feel the pull, the gravity of it inside of me.

In one way or another I have been taking steps for years now, to move back to Hawaii. six years ago, you probably wouldn't recognize my life; I was just starting out in the tech/corporate world, after spending my young adulthood trying to find out who I was.

There was no way in the world the guy I was back then was moving back to Hawaii. Too many commitments, expectations, and realities keeping me in northern IL. There are certainly worse places to be "kept"... but that's how I felt, in a very deep part of who I was. It might have been a reaction to all the things in my life that I wasn't happy with, as well as a selective memory of my time in Hawaii, years earlier... but "freedom" from these woes and pains of growing had a name. The light at the end of the tunnel was called "Hawaii". It didn't really matter that I probably wouldn't live there again, but the idea of just that perked me up when things were kind of gray.

Not the only thing, certainly. Not by a stretch. But it was that one thing in the distance, that sort of spiritual place off somewhere just below the horizon of whatever road I was on.

Also, one of my best friends, one of the easiest friendships I've ever had in my life was centered out there. And with it a whole social circle waiting to be explored and developed.

This as well... there is definitely something different about Hawaii. Not the weather, not even the people. There is a feeling there, an atmosphere. At least present in all the people I know, there. In Tinley Park, in Madison, I can definitely go hiking. I can go camping, I could bikeride every day. I could explore who I am in a physical sense, and I could find the very best most beautiful places to spend my leisure time, or my work time, even.

I could, but I don't, really.

I'm not sure why that is.

But in Hawaii, I do all of those things. It is as natural as breathing, there. For some bizarre reason, it is easy to be that person, to live that way, there. When I talk about this kind of "difference", something in the water, I often use the example of Friday Night.

Friday night here in the Midwest... maybe we hit Blockbuster, or BG Fellows. Maybe Denny's or El Famous later on. Maybe we see a movie, or maybe we just sit around and talk, being bored but happy with each other's company.

In Hawaii, I might spend a Friday night with a spotlight, snorkeling at night, spearing lobster on a nearby reef and paddling back to shore where the bonfire is waiting, where we cook up the lobster and drink, right there on the beach. For free. Whenever.

In Hawaii, I have definitely spent my share of time at Borders. In the Midwest, I have certainly gone hiking, biked in some beautiful places in some perfect weather.

But it seems like the stuff that makes your heart race, and your soul feel good, is the stuff of everyday life in Hawaii. It's pervasive. It's not the stuff of amazing memories, of shared albums of digital pictures in email... it's what you do on a Friday night.

This is alluring.

I don't care much for the cold. I can handle it; I am a Son of Chicago. I also have a freakishly high tolerance for pain, but this doesn't mean I enjoy being slapped. Some of the most beautiful visual memories I have come from winter; the stillness and glass-like splendor just after an ice storm. A field heavy with new snow. A frozen lake, the familiar landscaped so transformed.

But the leafless, sleeping trees bring me no joy. The relentless wind bothers me. I am not as much an outside person as many of my friends are... but I resent the weather that keeps me indoors.

So there are these things... The spirit of aloha, as corny as that sounds. The weather. The friends I have waiting there. The idea of going there that's been sitting in the back of my mind, serving as a beacon when things weren't that great in the here and now.

At this moment, I have a chance to go, to step on that train, and actually make it all happen.

I am doing things a bit out of order in life. More then that, I am not living an ordinary life. This is at least partly by design. I do not have kids, though I am well into my 30s. I have had rewarding careers in several fields, and I am not done by a longshot. I am nomadic, feeling the urge to travel more then almost anyone I've ever known. I spend more time with my mom then most guys my age.

But all of these things, without exception, are a source of happiness for me. They are special parts of who I am, and I have worked seriously on distilling them from who I thought I was, or who society worked very hard trying to convince me I should be. It is who I am, and it hasn't always been easy to express this. Part of this process has been the idea that you can't easily change who you are.

You can't change careers, we seem to tell ourselves. you can't make life-altering decisions like this now. That is the stuff of crisis, or tragedy... not open choice. We can't just pick up and move to Hawaii. This is the party line we seem to toe.



Fuck that.




So, although it's not quiet a done deal, although I haven't signed anything yet, like I told my boss at AmFam, it's a safer bet to assume it's a matter of "when", not "if".


Things that could keep me local ( to the Midwest ), with a smile on my face:

- something "extraordinary", relationship-wise. See the movie "Hitch" for elaboration.
- some set of circumstances involving my family, making my presence necessary
- some bit of life that needed to be tied up, here
- something that called to me at least as loudly as Hawaii does, here in the Midwest.

We'll see how it goes. The wheels of my life are turning. It's not all about me, of course... but this is my blog, and this is all on my mind : )